
LOVEBIRD'S 
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY 




DICK & HTZGERALD, Publishers, 
NEW YORK. 







PLAYS FOR FEMALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

J5 CENTS EACH 

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CRANFORD DAMES. 2 Scenes; 1}^ hoars 6 

GERTRUDE MASON, M.r>. 1 Act; 30 minutes 7 

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MAIDENS ALL FORLORN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 6 

MURDER WILL OUT. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

ROMANCE OF PHYLLIS. 3 Acts; 1J4 hours 4 

SOCIAL ASPIRATIONS. 1 Act; 45 minutes 5 

OUTWITTED. 1 Act; 20 minutes 3 

WHITE DOVE OF ONEIDA. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 4 

SWEET FAMILY. 1 Act; 1 hour .' 8 

BELLES OF BLACKVILLE. lAct;2hours 30 

PRINCESS KIKU. (35 cents) 13 

RAINBOW KIMONA. (85 cents.) 2 Acts; IJ^ hours 9 

MERRY OLD MAIDS. (S5 cents.) Motion Song 11 

PLAYS FOR MALE CHARACTERS ONLY 

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APRIL. FOOLS. 1 Act; 30 minutes 3 

BYRD AND HURD. 1 Act; 40 minutes 6 

DARKEY WOOD DEALER. J Act; 20 minutes 3 

WANTED, 4. MAHATMA. 1 Act; 30 minutes 4 

HOLY TERROR. 1 Act; 30 minutes. 4 

MANAGER'S TRIALS. 1 Act; 1 hour 9 

MEDICA. 1 Act; 35 minutes 7 

NIGGER NIGHT SCHOOL. 1 Act; 30 minutes.../. 6 

SLIM JIM AND THE HOODOO. 1 Act; 30 minutes 5 

WANTED. A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK. 1 Act; 30 minutes 6 

SNOBSON'S STAG PARTY. 1 Act; 1 hour 12 

PICKLES AND TICKLES. 1 Act; 20 minutes 6 

HARVEST STORM. 1 Act; 40 minutes 10 

CASE OF HERR BAR ROOMSKT. Mock Trial; 2 hours.... 28 

DARKEY BREACH OF PROMISE CASE. Mock Trial, 22 

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RIDING THE GOAT. Burlesque Initiation; 1 Scene; IJ^ hours 

DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street. N Y 




Lovebird's Matrimonial 
Agency 



A ^am in ©tte ^tt 
Arranged for tlje American ^tage 



By HAROLD SANDER 



Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald 



V 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 






-^^^;;^^^ 

w 



TMP96-006640 
©C1.0 41408 

AUG 3 1915 



LOVEBIRD'S 
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY 



CHARACTERS. 

Dick Harrison An ingenious but impecunious youth 

Obadiah Buncher Dick's uncle 

DuGALD MacTavish A real Scot 

Selina Smithers A ladij of uncertain age 

Mrs. Mudge Di4:-k's landlady 

Alice Everton Dick's sweetheart 

Maria " Slavey " at Mrs. Mudge's 

Time. — The present. Locality. — ISiear London, Eng. 

Time of Playing. — Thirty minutes. 

COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Dick Harrison. Should be played in a breezy go-ahead, 
irresistible style, not exactly taking all the stage, but keeping 
up an atmosphere of brightness and viv^aeity throughout. He 
wears ordinary morning clothes. 

Obadiah Buncher. Dick's uncle, elderly, stout, and red- 
faced. Wears a large check suit. 

Dugald MacTavish. A real Scot. Fiery red hair and side 
whiskers, shepherd's plaid trousers, Tani O'Shanter. 

3 



4 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

Selina Smithers. Very prim and old-maidish costume, 
wearing a veil. 

Mrs. Mudge. A stout, elderly woman. Wears print gown 
and apron. 

Alice Everton. Ordinary walking dress. 

Maria. Soiled print wrapper and apron. Face smudged 
with soot, hair in curl-papers. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Duster for Maria. Newspaper for Mrs. Mudge. Hand-bag 
containing a beard and blue spectacles for Dick Harrison. 
Purses and coins for Miss Smithers, Mr. Buncher and Mr. 
MacTavish. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audience, e., 
means right-hand, l., left-hand. 



LOVEBIRD'S 
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY 



SCENE i—Neathj furnished parlor at Mrs. Mudge's. Doors at 
R and L. Papers, pen, ink, etc., on taUe. DISCOVERED 
Maria busily dusting furniture. Sinks into chair, fanning 
herself tvith duster. 

Maria Oh, dear, oh, dear, it's work, work, work, from 
morning till night with me, and old Mudge a-chivvyin' me up 
and down 'arf the time, and never givin' me five minutes for a 
si-ester ' And not content with that, it's " Maria, go and wash 
your face," every time she sees me, as if I 'ad time for sich 
luxuries! Three shillings a month and my food! But Im 
a-oin' to strike, I am ! More pay and no work, that's wot 1 
want ' But Mr 'Arrison now— 'im wot's got these 'ere rooms— 
'e's a'gen'l'man, 'e is, down to the soles of 'is boots! Gives me 
tuppence every Saturday reg'lar, 'e does! Why, I'll soon be 
able to buy a bi-cycle ! Oh, I should look lovely on a bi-cycle! 
(Voice off, "Maria!") Oh, there's old Mudge! (Seizes a 
chair, turns it upside down, and dusts furiously) 

ENTER Mrs. Mudge, l., carrying newspaper. 

Mrs Mudge. Maria ! Ain't you finished dusting yet? Good 
gracious ! Look sharp, and then— go and wash your face ! 
Maria (aside). There! Iknowedit! {Dusting busily) 
Mrs Mudge (sits looking at paper, and soliloquizing. Maria 
listens). Well, as the poet says, "The die is cast! I ve 
stood Mr. 'Arrison just too long; week after week 'e's promised 
to nav up but never the glint of a threepenny-piece do I see . 
But I won't stand it no longer ! Hout 'e goes and makes room 
for 'is betters ! 

5 



6 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

Maria (aside). Wot a shame! 

Mrs. Mudge. And when 'e's gone, no more gentlemen lodgers 
for me! Onlj^ a nuisance they are, with their late hours, and 
their smoking, and their never no money ! But I'm done with 
'em! (Looking at paper) 'Ere's my advertisement in this 
morning's paper — all my own composition! (Reads sloivly) 
•' Comfortable apartments for single lady. Terms moderate. 
At No. 14 Bumblebee Buildings. N.B. — No gentlemen need 
apply." 

Maria (aside, disgusted). Single lady! I don't want no 
lady lodgers! 

Mrs. MudgeJ. That ought to fetch 'em. And when Mr. 

'Arrison comes in, I'll just tell him straight (Singing 

heard off) Oh, law, 'ere 'e is. (Jumping up) 

ENTER Dick Harrison, r., singing, carrying hand-bag. 

Dick. Hello, Mrs. Mudge! Ah, the paper! You've seen it, 
then? You've read the advertisement? 

Mrs. Mudge. Mr. 'Arrison, I've just been a-reading of it 
over ; and I tell you straight and plain that I can't put up with 
these goings-on of yours no longer ! Seven weeks now I've 
chalked up your bill, and you can't expect any landlady — es- 
pecially a pore widow woman — to keep a hestablishment going 
without money 

Dick (patting her shoulder). But, my dear old Mudge, 
that's all past and done with ! This new scheme of mine — 
(Pointing to paper) — will bring in loads of money. I'll pay 
your bill and give you a fiver into the bargain ! 

Mrs. Mudge (suspiciously). What new scheme? 

Dick. What! I thought you had read the advertisement? 

Mrs. Mudge. The advertisement? Well? Wotever are you 
talkin' about? 

Dick. Ah, you haven't read it, then? Give me the paper! 
(Dick searches through columns, ivatched intently hy Mrs. 
Mudge and Maria) Here it is! Listen! "Matrimony for the 
million! The Lovebird Matrimonial Agency. Ladies and gen- 
tlemen of all ages, classes, and conditions, accommodated with 
suitable partners for life. Marriages arranged. Courtships 
catered for. Hymeneal bliss secured. Fees nominal. Happi- 
ness guaranteed. Apply personally Professor Lovebird, Matri- 
monial Agent, 14 Bumblebee Buildings." 

Maria. Great 'evings ! 

Dick. Eh? (Maria dusts furiously) 



Lovebird^s Matrimonial Agency. 7 

Mrs. Mudge {puzzled). But, good gracious me, what does 
it all mean? Who and wot is this Professor Lovebird? 

Dick {striking attitude). I am the man! 

Maria. Oh, look at the Love-bird ! {Dusts furiously) 

Dick. Eh? 

Mrs. Mudge. You? 

Dick. Yes, I am Professor Lovebird, sole representative of 
the Lovebird Matrimonial Agency, 14 Bumblebee Buildings; a 
restorer of shattered affections, a healer of broken hearts, a 
benefactor to man — and woman — kind ! See advertisement ! 
*' Fees nominal. Happiness guaranteed ! " 

Maria. 'Ear, 'ear! 

Mrs. Mudge. But you ain't no professor ! You don't look like 
a professor ! 

Dick. Ah, that's all right ! You forget that I belong to an 
amateur dramatic club. See! {Takes well-fitting heard and 
blue spectacles from hand-hag, and slips them on) Behold! 
Professor Lovebird! {Shrieks of laughter from Maria, who 
douUes up, holding her sides, stamping about and pointing to 
Dick) 

Mrs. Mudge {chasing her out). Maria! Maria! How 
dare you? Get away and wash your face! (EXIT Maria, r., 
convulsed and pointing to Dick) Drat the girl! {Returning 
to Dick) Now, look 'ere, Mr. 'Arrison 

Dick. Professor Lovebird, if you please! 

Mrs. Mudge. Oh, bother! I'm all comflusterated ; you've 
quite took my breath away ! This Matrimonial Agency is all 
very well, but 'ow is it going to be done? And where does my 
money and five-pound note come in? 

Dick. Oh, it's all very simple, Mrs. Mudge. I charge five 
shillings booking fee, paid in advance, and one guinea from 
both parties for each marriage successfully arranged. I intro- 
duce the gentlemen looking for wives to the ladies looking for 
husbands. 

Mrs. Mudge {doubtfully). It sounds all right! 

Dick. All right ! I should think so ! It's a glorious idea ! 
I tell you, Mrs. Mudge, we'll make our fortunes, and scatter 
little havens of domestic bliss all over the country. Why, my 
dear lady, I may even be able to secure a husband for you. 
There's no reason why a young, handsome, sprightly dame like 
yourself shouldn't have another plunge into the sea of matri- 
mony ! 

Mrs. Mudge {giggles coyly). Oh, go on with ye, Mr. 'Arrison, 
do ! That tongue of yours would charm the 'eart of a cabbage ! 



8 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

(Sighs heavily) Oh, dear no, all sich frivolities is past for 
me! (Confidentially) Look 'ere, Mr. 'Arrison— I mean Pro- 
fessor — I'll tell you a secret. I ain't a real widow, but only a 
" grass " one — that is, I don't know whether my 'usband is dead 
or only lost! 

Dick. Indeed, Mrs. Mudge? 

Mrs. Mudge. And my name ain't Mudge neither, but Mac- 
Tavish. Ye see, my 'usband was a Scotchman — real Scotch— 
and 'e was a ship's cook, and used to take me with 'im on 'is 
voyages. But one night 'e accidentally set the ship on fire— 'e 
always was a careless man, my 'usband !— and we 'ad to take to 
the boats. Well, 'e was in one boat and me in another; our 
lot got picked up by a passing steamer, but I never seed 
the other boat nor 'im no more. Then I settled down 'ere in 
my maiden name, Susan Jane Mudge 

Dick. Yes, yes, that's all very interesting, but I really must 
get ready to receive my clients. Run along now, like a good 
soul, and send Maria to me, that I may give her my instruc- 
tions. (EXIT Mrs. Mudge, r.) Well, now, to prepare for busi- 
ness ! (Arranges papers, ink, peyis, on table) If I don't carry 
this affair through satisfactorily, I'll soon find myself in Queer 
Street! If Uncle Buucher hadn't quarrelled with me and 
turned me out for falling in love with my Cousin Alice, things 
would have been vastly different. However, I'm not going to 
give Alice up, and if I can only keep going until the old boy 
comes round and forgives me Ah, here's Maria ! 

ENTER Maria b. Screams with laughter at sight of Dick's 

disguise. 

Dick. Stop that, Maria! (Shaking her) Stop it, I say, 
and listen to me! I may soon be having lots of callers, and 
you must attend the door promptly and show them in to me. 
But remember, you mustn't laugh when you see me, and you 
must call me Professor — Professor Lovebird ! Don't forget, and 
if you do well you shall have sixpence to yourself on Saturday. 

Maria. Oh, crickey ! Sixpence! I shall soon 'ave that 
bi-cycle ! I'll be careful, Mr. 'Arrison — I mean Purfessor ! But, 
oh, you do look so funny! (Holds her sides, laughing) 

Dick (impatiently). Oh, get away and wash your face! 

Maria (groans). Wot, you, too, Mr. 'Arrison— Purfessor ! 
Well, never mind, a whole half shilling on Saturday ! 'Ooray ! 
(Ring heard off, r.) 

Dick. Maria, the door-bell! Quick! (EXIT Maria b.) 



Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 9 

This must be a client ! Now, Professor. (Hastily seats himself 
at table, before papers, etc.) 

Makia (off stage). This way, mum. Step right in 'ere. 

Dick. Ah, a lady! 

ENTER Miss Selina Smithers and Maria, r. 

Dick (rising). Ah, good day, madam! Will you take a 
chair? (Selina Smithers sits. Maria, at back, giggling be- 
hind hand. Dick goes tip and motions her sternly away. 

[EXIT Maria r. 

Smithers (aside, looking around). I suppose this is the 
room. 

Dick (sitting). You have called in answer to the adver- 
tisement in to-day's paper, madam? 

Smithers (stiffly). I have! Are you the person who adver- 
tised? 

Dick. Precisely, madam. And I can guarantee to give you 
the utmost satisfaction. (Takes pen and paper) Now, if you 
please, madam, a few particulars. Name? 

Smithers. My name? Is this quite usual? 

Dick. Madam, it is absolutely necessary ! You see, I know 
nothing of you 

Smithers (shortly). Oh, very well. Selina Smithers. 

Dick (ivriting). Selina — Smithers. Age? 

Smithers (indignantly). Age? Not if I know it! How 
dare you, sir? 

Dick (looking up at her). Eh? Why not? Oh, very well, 
madam, just as you please! (Aside) We'll say forty-two. 
(Writes) Widow or spinster? 

Smithers (angrily). Sir! What do you mean? This is 
outrageous ! 

Dick. My dear lady, if I am to — to accommodate you, you 
must let me know these things. 

Smithers (aside). Most extraordinary method of letting 
rooms! (Aloud) I am an unmarried female, sir! 

Dick (writes). Unmarried — therefore a spinster. Thank 
you, madam, I think that will do! And now — er — I always 
charge a preliminary fee of five shillings, simply as a guar- 
antee of good faith, 

Smithers. Indeed ! Well, it is most unusual, sir, but since 
it is your rule. (Takes out purse and pays money) 

Dick. Thank you, madam! (Gazes fondly at money and 
slips it into pocket) 



10 Lovebird^s Matrimonial Agency. 

Smithers. And now, as to your other terms? 

Dick. One guinea only, if suited, madam. 

Smithers (aside). I presume he means one guinea per 
week. (Aloud) I think that will do, and I shall really not be 
hard to suit. 

Dick (aside). No, nor the man who marries you! (Aloud) 
Well, madam, if you will call again 

Smithers. Call again! What for? I want the matter 
settled here and now. 

Dick (aside). She must be getting desperate. And I haven't 
a single man on my books as yet. (Alotid) Er — now, madam? 

Smithers. Certainly! Why not? I cannot afford to waste 
time. I want to be accommodated at once. If I am pleased 
after a careful inspection, and the arrangements about food 
and such matters are all right, I should like to take possession 
without delay. 

Dick (aside). Well, she is cool — take possession without 
delay. Very awkward ; but I mustn't lose that guinea. 
(Aloud) I'm sorry, madam, but — er — the — er — gentleman is 
not here at the moment. 

Smithers (aside). Not here? I thought he was the land- 
lord all the time! (Aloud) But are you not the man ? 

Dick (startled). Good gracious, no! I am only his — er — 
agent, you understand. But he — er — may be here at any 
moment, and if you would care to wait in the next room 

Smithers. Oh, very well. It's most unusual, but of course 
I must see him before settling anything. 

Dick. Certainly, madam. Step this way! (Shows her off, 
L., and returns. Drops into chair) Well, if all my clients 
are to be like that one, this is going to be a ticklish job. 
Fancy that looking for a husband. And actually wanted to 
marry me ! Well, it's no wonder she's in a hurry to get settled. 
But I mustn't lose that guinea ; I must fix her up with the first 
possible man. ( Ring heard off, r. ) And here he comes ! 
(Alan's voice off, r. Dick starts up, listening) Oh, my pro- 
phetic soul, my Uncle Obadiah ! What is he doing in town, 
and how on earth has he found me out? Or, Great Columbus, 
can he be answering the advertisement, too? Uncle Obadiah 
looking for a wife? That won't do. If he marries, what will 
become of me, his heir? Here he comes. Fortunately, he won't 
know me in this disguise. 

ENTER Maria and Obadiah Buncheb, b. 



Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 11 

Maria. 'Ere you are, Purfessor, another wictim ! (Aside) 
Oh, wot a funny old joker! (Dick motions her away) All 
right— wait till Saturday. . [EXIT r. 

Dick {loudhj). Good day, sir! Do you wish to see me? 

BuNCHER {slow and ponderous). Speak oop, please; I'm a 
leetle hard o' hearin'. 

Dick (aside). Hard of hearing! I should think he is. 
(Loudly) Whom have you come to see? 

BuNCHEB. Have I coom to tea? Oh, no; I'm noan so greedy 
as that. I've coom to see the Professor. Art 'ee the Profes- 
sor? 

Dick (shouting). I'm — Professor — Lovebird — the — Matri- 
monial Agent. 

BuNCHER (shaking head). I doan't hear a word 'ee say. 

Dick (shouting). I'm — Professor — Lovebird — the Matri- 
monial — Agent. 

BuNCHER. But I want to know if ye're the man as does the 
marryin' business? 

Dick (nodding vigorously). Yes, yes! I supply ladies and 
gentlemen with partners for life. 

BuNCHER. A wife? Yes, that's just what I've coom for. 
Fm Obadiah Buncher, bachelor, wi' plenty o' money ; and bein' 
oop in town I seed your advertisement and thowt I'd coom 
along and see if ye could fix me oop wi' a wife. 

Dick. Ahem ! Sit down, Mr. Buncher. ( Buncher sits. 
Aside) The amorous old heathen! Just as I feared, he 
wants to marry, and leave me out in the cold. Well, the 
only lady " in stock " is likely to scare him out of the idea. 
(Loudly) Well, Mr. Buncher, I think I can accommodate 
you ; in fact, I have the very lady that will do for you. 

Buncher. Two for me? Oh, no thanks. Noan o' your 
leetle jokes. Professor ! Ha, ha, ha ! One's enough for me. 

Dick. No, no ; I mean I have the very one here to suit 
you. 

Buncher (rising, alai-med). Coming here to shoot me! 
Look here, Professor, I don't want to get into no trouble over 
this marryin' business 

Dick (shouting). Sit down ! (Pushing Bvncueu into chair) 
It's all right! (Mopping brow) Oh, dear! Now, Mr. Buncher, 
I always charge a preliminary fee 

Buncher. Free? Oh, yes, I tell 'ee I'm a bachelor and 
quite free — — 

Dick (shouting). No, no! I charge a fee of five shil- 
lings 



12 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

BuNCHER (nodding head). As 'ee say, Professor I'm both 
free and willin', 

Dick. Oh, confound the man! (Shouts into Buncher's ear) 
I charge — a fee — of — five — shillings! 

BuNCHER. Oh, why, didn't 'ee say that afore? (Takes out 
purse and counts fee into Dick's hand) Now, Professor, 
Where's this 'ere lady? Mind 'ee, I've got amazin' good taste 
for a wench. When I was younger — ha, ha, ha ! — I had a 
fine lass one time, handsome and terr'ble genteel, but I ain't 
seed her for twenty-five year. 

Dick (loudly). I'll fetch the lady. (Aside, going, l.) And 
I sincerely hope she'll cure your fancy. (Ooes to l. door, calls 
" Miss Smithers ! " 

ENTER L. Miss Smithees, with veil down. 

Dick. This is the gentleman, madam. (Loudly to Buncher) 
Mr. Buncher, this is the lady. I'll leave you together for a 
little. [EXIT Dick, b. 

Smithers (aside). Ah, the landlord at last! 

Buncher (aside). By goom, my heart's beatin' like a sledge- 
hammer! (Nervously) Well, ma'am — Miss? 

Smithers. Well, sir, I shall be glad to come to some under- 
standing about the rooms. 

Buncher. Speak oop, if ye please, Miss ; I'm a little hard o* 
hearin'. (Aside) I wish she'd show me her face. 

Smithers (loudly). I should like to come to some arrange- 
ment with you. 

Buncher (shaking head). I doan't hear a word ye say. 

Smithers (aside). Bless me, the man is as deaf as a post. 
(Shouting) I want — to make some — arrangement 

Buncher. Derangement? No, there ain't nothing wrong 
wi' me. Miss; I'm sound o' wind and limb. (Aside) I wish 
I could see her face. 

Smithers (aside). What an extraordinary creature! 
Whatever does he mean? I must try again. (Loudly) I'm 
extremely pleased with what I've seen of the rooms 

Buncher. Eh? 

Smithers (shouting). I'm extremely — pleased — with what 
— I've seen 

Buncher. D'ye say so, Miss? Now, that's very kind o' ye: 
But I'm noan such a bad-lookin' chap. And I can return the 
compliment, only I'd like to see your pretty face. If ye'd be 
good enough to put oop tha veil, Miss 



Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 13 

Smithers. Sir! How dare you? You are insulting ! 

BUNCHER (aside). I doan't hear a word she says, but mebbe 
she's a bit shy, like me. I must gi'e her a bit o' encourage- 
ment. (To Smithers) Put oop tha veil, my dawty, and let 
me see if 'ee hast a face for kissin' 

Smithers (starting up). Oh, you wretch! You horrid 
creature ! I won't be left alone with you. I must summon as- 
sistance! (Rings hell furiously) 

ENTER Maria, b. 

Buncher (rising and approaching Smithers). What are 'ee 
doin'? I only wanted to ask 'ee 

Smithers. Keep off! Don't come near me, you — you mon- 
ster! 

Maria (sJiouts). 'Elp! 'elp ! Master Dick — Mr. 'Arrison^ 
Purfessor ! They're goiu' to fight ! 'Elp ! 'elp ! 

Dick rushes in and goes to Smithers. Maria clings to Bun*- 
cher's coat-tails, shouting, "'Elp! 'elp!" Dick, in dumh- 
show, apologizing to and pacifying Smithers, gets her 
off, L. 

Buncher (to Maria). Get off, you noisy warmit! Run away 
and wash your face. 

Maria. Well, I never! You, too! 

[EXIT indignantly, nose in air, r. 

Buncher. Look 'ee here. Professor, what's wrong wi' that 
there crittur? I'll be gormed if I said anything 

Dick. Perhaps not, Mr. Buncher, but it's evident you two 
would never agree. (Aside) Just as I hoped. (Aloud) 
Better luck next time. Now, just go into this other room un- 
til I think what's to be done. (Shotvs Buncher off, r.) 
Phew ! If this goes on I'll soon have every room in the house 
filled with dissatisfied clients. However, I'm glad Uncle Oba- 
diah and Miss Smithers didn't make it up ; but I must pair her 
off with somebody, for I can't afford to lose the guinea. If I 
only had another man. (Ring heard off, r.) Ah, who's this? 
If it's a man, he's got to marry old Smithers. 

ENTER R. Maria and MacTavish. 

Maria. 'Ere's another, Purfessor! Mr. MacTartan, from 
Skye — hooch ay ! 



14 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

MacTavish. MacTavish, my wee bantam ! Dugald Mac- 
Tavish! Professor, hoo's a' wi' ye? (Shakes hands ivith 
Dick. Makia, at back, executes Highland fling) 

Dick. Maria, get out! 

MacTavish. Awa' an' wash your face! [EXIT Maria r. 

Dick. Sit down, Mr. MacTavish. What can I do for you? 

MacTavish. Weel, Professor, I'm a weedower, but, seein' 
your adver-tisement, I thocht I micht risk anither yin. 

Dick. Very good. But before we go any further, Mr. Mac- 
Tavish, my preliminary fee is five sliillings. 

MacTavish (whistles). Whew! Five bob ! It's a hantle o' 
money, Professor. Five shillin's — I could buy a heap o' ither 
usefu' things wi' that. Could ye no mak' it three and sax- 
pence? 

Dick. No, that is my lowest figure. Surely, Mr. MacTavish, 
if I find you a handsome wife 

MacTavish. Ah, weel, if it maun be. (Slowly produces 
purse and reluctantly pays money) But it's a hantle o' money. 
And noo, Professor, what have ye got? 

Dick. Fortunately, I have a most charming lady — just your 
style — at present on the premises. I'll present her to you, but 
remember, Mr. MacTavish, she is rather coy, and you mustn't 
be backward, but bold and dashing in your courtship. 
" Faint heart never won fair lady," you know. 

MacTavish. Ay! I'll dae my best. (Dick goes to l. door 
and calls Miss Smithers) 

ENTER Miss Smithers, unveiled. 

Dick. This is Mr. MacTavish. Mr. MacTavish — Miss 
Smithers. Now, allow me to withdraw. (Going out, r. Aside, 
hand extended to them) Bless you, my children, bless you! 

Smithers. Well, I hope you are the right man at last. You 
are the third I've seen about it this afternoon. 

MacTavish (aside). That's no' a bad start for a shy lass. 
(Aloud) I hope I may say I am the richt man, Miss. 

Smithers. And what have you to say to my proposal? 

MacTavish (aside). Dod, she's fairly goin' it! But the 
Professor said I wasna to be late. (Winking at Miss Smith- 
ers) I say, ye're jist a wee peach. 

Smithers (horrified). What, sir? 

MacTavish (aside). That's the coyness the Professor spak' 
o'. But here goes again. (Aloud) Ay, ye're jist a rael wee 
divert. 



Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 15 

Smithers. Mr. MacTavish ! 

MacTavish. That's me. (MacTavish ivinks and blows her 
a kiss) 

Smithers (turning aivay indignantln). Gracious me! Is 
this a lunatic asylum I've got into? 

MacTavish (aside) The Professor said I was to be bold 
and dashin'. (Crosses to Miss Smithers and puts aim round 

her) Gie's a wee bit kiss, ma wee (Miss Smithers starts 

up, screaming loudly) 

ENTER r., Buncher, hurriedly, followed by Mrs. Mudge, Dick, 
and Maria. 

Buncher (rushing forward to Miss Smithers and pushing 
MacTavish away). What art 'ee about, red-head, frightenin' 
the lady? (Turns to Miss Smithers and sees her face) 
Great Golosh! I'm gormed if it ain't Selina Smithers, ma 
owd lass o' twenty-five year ago ! 

Smithers. What! Can it be ? It is — it is — my long- 
lost lover — Obadiah! (They embrace) 

Mrs. Mudge (staring at MacTavish). If that ain't my 
missing 'usband, MacTavish, I'm a porpuss! (Advancing to 
MacTavish ) Dugald ! 

MacTavish (recognising her). Gosh, it's no Susie? Oh, 
come to ma airms ! (They embrace) 

Buncher (to Miss Smithers). Selina, my lass, ye're as 
handsome and terr'ble genteel as ever. Coom and tell me where 
ye've been. [EXEUNT, lovingly, l. 

MacTavish (to Mrs. Mudge). Susie, my bonnie wee daisy, 
I thocht ye were drooned. Come an' tell me a' aboot it. 

[EXEUNT, lovingly, E. 

Maria (staring after Mrs. Mudge and MacTavish). Well, 
I never ! 

Dick (staring after Buncher and Miss Smithers). Well, 
I'm — ahem! — confounded! (Sinks into chair) 

Maria, Look 'ere, Mister Purfessor, don't you forget that 
half shilling for all this hextry work. (Ring heard off, r.) 
Blessed if it ain't another ! [EXIT r. 

Dick. This matrimonial business is going strong — a little too 
strong for my taste. I've brought Uncle Obadiah and his old 
sweetheart together; that means marriage, and all my future 
prospects gone — pop! 

ENTER Maria and Alice, b. 



16 Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 

Maria. Miss Halice Heverton ! 

Dick (starting up). Alice! 

AocE. Sir ! 

Dick {wildly). Oh, Alice, have you come seeking a hus- 
band? This is the last straw. 

Alice. Sir ! Are you mad ? 

Dick. Mad? Almost. {Tears off disguise) Alice, it is I, 
Dick Harrison. I'm only a bogus Professor. But don't tell 
me you've come here in answer to the advertisement ! 

Alice. No ; I've come here to see you. Being in town with 
Uncle Obadiah, and knowing your address, I slipped away to 
see my own dear boy. 

Dick. Alice, you're a darling! {They embrace) 

Mabia {leaving duster). 'Ooray ! 

ENTER Mrs. Mudge and MacTavish, b. 

MacTavish. I'm as happy as a bumble bee in clover. Hello, 
whaur's the Professor? 

Mrs. Mudge. Mr. 'Arrison, bless your 'eart, you've brought 
me back my MacTavish, my lost 'usband and I'm a " grass " 
widow no longer. 

Maria {waving duster). 'Ooray! 

ENTER L. BuNCHEB and Miss Smithers. 

BuNCHEB. Dick? — and Alice? How came you here — and 
together? What's the meanin' o't eh? 

Dick {loudly). It means, uncle, that I was Professor Love- 
bird — {Showing disguise) — for a short time in order to raise 
the wind 

Alice {loudly). And it means, uncle, that in spite of your 
prohibition, I love Dick still and sought him out here 

Dick {loudly). And it means, uncle, that we don't mean 
to give each other up, and if you won't help us, well, we'll 
starve together. 

Buncher. Starve? Bless the boy, there's no need for that! 
In actin' the Professor you've done your uncle a good turn and 
brought him back his owd lass o' twenty-five year ago; and 
we're that happy I mun forgi'e 'ee ! So I'll settle £500 a year 
on 'ee, ye can marry that bit o' fluff there, and may 'ee be as 
happy as we are. 

Maria {waving duster). 'Ooray! {Glancing around at 



Lovebird's Matrimonial Agency. 17 

happy couples) But, I say, look 'ere, wot's to become o' me? 
I'm a hunappropriated blessing I 

Dick. Oh, that's all right, Maria. When Alice and I start 
housekeeping you shall come and be our parlormaid. 

Maria (ivaving duster). 'Ip, 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray! Three cheers 
for ** Lovebirds Matrimonial Agency." 

Alice. Dick. 

Mrs. Mudge. Smithers. 

MacTavish. Maria. Bunchee. 

CURTAIN. 



A DOCTOR BY COURTESY 

A Farce in Three Acts, by Ullie Akerstrom 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 

Dr. Jos. Sly, a physician (?) Light Comedy 

Henri Duval, a French merchant Character 

Chas. Jenkins, Sly's father-in-law Comedy old man 

Freddie West, a dude Character 

Michael, a hallboy ' Irish character 

Policeman, one of the finest. 

Florette Duval, Duval's Wife Lead 

Emily Sly, Sly's Wife Juvenile 

Martha Jenkins, Jenkins's wife Old woinan 

Ida Gaygirl, of the ballet Soubrette 

Gretchen, Florette's maid servant Character 

Two Interior Scenes. — Time of Representation — Two hours. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. — Sitting-room in Sly's office. Mr. Jenkins resorts to heroio 
measures to boom his son-in-law's medical practice. Two women prepare i 
trap. Old associates draw Sly into folly. Clouds begin to gather. 

Act II. — Room in the house of Monsieur Duval. Florette's physiciaff 
(by proxy) arrives. A startUng prescription. Matters become worse and 
worse. A jealous husband and three doctors (?). 

Act III. — Same as Act I. The "green-eyed monster" appears in the 
Sly family. The story of a scratched face and a shower-bath. Explana- 
tions restore harmony, and Dr. (?) Sly retires from active work. 



COLLEGE CHUMS 

A COMEDY OF COLLEGE LIFE IN THREE ACTS. BY ANTHONY E. WILLS 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A realistic sketch of College life and its influence. Wallace, an in- 
dolent aimless young man, on entering college is hazed by fellow collegiates, 
led on by Thorne, the bully of his class. He turns on the bully and thrashes 
him soundly. Out of revenge, he is so ingenrously accused of theft by the 
bully, that the crime appears to carry conviction. Finally the real thief 
exonerates him and the bully is expelled. There are some very funny 
passages between two opposing veterans of the war, and in the love making 
of a German professor. In due course the inevitable young lady comes 
on the scene with the usual results. A capital play, full of interest through- 
out. 

CHARACTERS 

Franklyn Risley, Dean of the University Character 

Friederich von Weber, Professor of German Character 

Wallace Findlay, "The Babe" Lead 

Howard Thorne, "The Bully" Heavy 

Arthur Kingsbury, Capt. of College Team Straight 

Paul Dinsmore, a Sophomore Straight 

Clifford Paige, manager of College Team Straight 

John Findlay, Wallace's father Character 

Alec, an old colored attendant Character 

Mrs. Almira Dinsmore, Paul's mother Old Lady 

Grace Dinsmore, her daughter Lead 

Toby Sprague, the watchman's daughter Ingenue 

One Interior Stage-setting. — Time of Representation — Two hours. 



A WH IT £ LIE 

COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY HORACE C. DALE, 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

Four male, three female characters, including leading man, genteel heavy, 
low comedy, Negro comedy; old maid comedy, emotional leading lady, 
ingenue. Time of playing 2K hours. The action abounds with strong 
dramatic situations. Can be easily staged in any hall. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS, 

. -^^ I.— Drawing-room in the Bell mansion. Visitors. The man who 
kissed the Blarney stone. The wolf in the sheepfold. An anxious wife's 
resolve. A game that two can play. An untimely interruption. "What 
Ts the meaning of this scene?" An extempore rehearsal. A white lie. 

Act II. — Scene as before. Araminta has her say, and Timothy takes 
It to heart. Taffy sets up in business. Fiddling upon a lawyer's heart- 
strings. Pauline's history. The flying-wedge. "I know a thing or two 
about foot-ball." A passage at arms between Spring and Autumn. Paul- 
ine's dilemma. A fruitless appeal. "Go! There can be no paradise wherf 
sin abounds!" Picture. 

_ Act III.— The Charity Ball. Taffy and his "fairy.'* An exciting 
episode. Unmasked! An affair of honor. Another skirmish between the 
ladies. Timothy in a quandary. The missing letter and Pauline's plan of 
rescue. Araminta caught "spoonin'," and Taffy believes that the world has 
come to an end. 

Act IV. — The secret duel. Peyton's treachery and suicide. Bell's dis- 
covery and despair. A morning call, and a kodak sensation. The Peach 
Blossom's revenge. Good news for Taft'y. A risky experiment. Bereft of 
reason. Disenthralled. "Dat settles it; de war am ober, peace am 'clared, 
an* we's all happy." Finale. 

Imogene; or^ The Witches Secret 

REALISTIC DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS, BY HORACE C. DALE, 
PRICE 15 CENTS 

Seven male, five female characters. Juvenile leading man, eccentric old 
man, walking gentleman, genteel villain, Irish comedy, two utility. Leading 
juvenile lady, heavy character, walking lady, juvenile comedy, soubrette. 
Well worked out plot and counter-plot, effective stage pictures, and brisk 
action. Time of playing, 2 hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Scene I. — A street. The Deacon's arrival. _ A newsboy's trick. 
Lawyer and Irishman. The Witch's prophecy. A wife's anxiety and re- 
solve. Scene II. — A garden. The fete. Snooks is euchered. A foe in the 
guise of a friend. The drugged wine. Suspicion aroused. A fruitless 
appeal. A wronged wife. The accusation. Denunciation. The assault. 

Act II. — Mansfield's home. A jealous Irishman. The Deacon becomes 
infatuated. A lost sister. An indirect proposal. The assault. Dennis bites 
the dust. An indignant wife. A self-confessed villain. A desperate woman. 
An aggrieved husband. Cowardice charged. Satisfaction demanded and 
refused. Cowhided. 

Act III. — Scene I. — Hall in Mansfield's house. Dennis grows excited. 
A challenge. An agitated wife. Scene II. — The rendezvous. _ The duel. 
An unobserved witness. "Shoot, you coward!" "I cannot, it would be 
murder." Treachery charged. "There stands the traitor!" The Witch's 
note. Explanation demanded. The deadly air gun. A wounded villain. 
Who fired the shot? A doubting Thomas. The Witch's exhortation. The 
resolve. Scene III. — A room in Mansfield's house. A wife's devotion. 

Act IV. — Scene I. — In Reed's law-office. Dennis promises compliance. 
Dennis and Snooks have a "scrap." Robbery charged. The raised notes. 
Murder is threatened. Dennis's ruse. The lawyer is euchered. The 
Witch's appearance. Startling revelations. The Witch's power defied. 
The incantation. Imogene appears. Reed's death. Scene II. — A street. 
The Deacon and his nephew. Apologies made and forgiveness obtained, 
Dennis's elation. Susie's ruse brings Dennis to terms. Scene III. — Mans- 
field's home. The Witch's secret is revealedo The Deacon is made happy 



THE EAST SIDERS 

A Comedy Drama in Three Acts, by ANTHONY E. WILL^ 

PRICE, 25 CENTS 

CHARACTERS 

£mil Schultz, an old tailor Old German 

Paul Albers, in his employ Character Heavy 

James Keegan, a typical New Yorker Comedy 

Robert Perry, an actor Lead 

Daniel Jarvis, a prosperous merchant Character old man 

Clarence Frothingham, a dry-goods clerk Dude 

Officer McNally, a policeman Comedy 

Otto Werner, a street musician German comedy 

Mrs. Schultz, the tailor's wife Old lady comedy 

Edna Schultz, her daughter Lead 

Lieutenant Brockway, a Salvation lassie Straight 

Dolly Hammond, who lives upstairs Soubrette 

One Interior Stage-setting. — Time, 2 Hours, 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I. — New Year's Eve. Paul Albers arrives, expecting to marry 
Edna. Mr. Jarvis hears some plain truths. The mistake of Clarence. The 
mortgage. The marriage of Edna and Perry announced. Edna driven from 
home. 

Act II. — July, eighteen months later. Jarvis opens the big store. 
McNally receives a scare. Paul's gambling. Good advice thrown away. 
The overdue mortgage. Paul's theft. Edna accused. 

Act III. — October, three months later. The distress of Schultz. 
Sheriff in charge. Edna's operatic success. An obdurate father. Arrest 
of Paul. Some lively bidding, Dolly's purchase, Schultz relents. Every- 
body happy. 



ROCKY FORD 

A Western Drama in Four Acts 

By BURTON L. SPILLER 



price, 25 CENTS 



Eight mate (2 may double), three female characters. One exterior, two 
interior scenes. Time, 2 hours. The action revolves around the theft oi a 
will by a gentlemanly villain, whereby Jack, a young ranchman (lead), 
nearly loses not only a fortune, but also his affianced bride. Jack's two 
cowboy friends come to his rescue, however, and through their timely 
interference the plan to defraud him is foiled. A Kentusky major and « 
middle-aged spinster have excellent comedy parts. 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 

EDWARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2% hours 10 

PRISONER OP ANDERSON VIIiL-E. 4 Acts; 234 hours.. 10 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; li^ hours 9 

ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; I Stage Setting 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 214 bours 9 
BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 




RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2^ hours ...... 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 2^ hours.. 8 4 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 2J^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

GREAT W^INTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 4 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 5 2 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Act8;2hour8 4 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour. . . 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (16 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene.. 5 '1 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene ^30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 horns 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; IJ.^ hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; li^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN T\^ALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N.Y. 




COMEDIES 

25 CEI 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. q gjg ^^3 
BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. „^..o, ^7^ 
COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting. 

COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2i^ hours 

DELEGATES FROM DENTER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes. 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hour8 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting .... 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours.... 

JAIL BIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hour8 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2>i houcs 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. SActs; Shours... 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 

ROGUE'S LUCK. SActs; 2hour8 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. SActs; 21^ hours 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2)^ hours 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 

WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 21^ hours 



3 10 

6 5 
8 4 

7 4 
5 3 
5 3 
4 
6 
7 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours ... 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. SActs; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 3 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



